Gotta stop the madness.
For a long time I've been "on" a very-low calorie diet. I'm saying it like that because no, I haven't been on it. I've been pretending to be on it, trying to psych myself up to commit to it, going to the doctor and getting on the scale and seeing it go up and down by 3-4 pounds and just praying I didn't gain anything this week. For whatever reason, the idea of living on 900 calories a day is very anxiety-inducing for me, and while I know on the one hand it would make me thinner, on the other hand it makes me nervous. I hate being hangry, I hate being light-headed, I hate being restricted to shakes and tiny portions. I keep telling myself that I can do this, but I'll tell myself I will start this tomorrow, so today I will go to Wendy's and have an awesome burger and a frosty so I'll have one last fun day before I start starving myself again.
A few days ago, I went to a book signing. One of my childhood idols, Tiffani Thiessen, wrote a cookbook, and I really wanted to buy it. Honestly I didn't care so much about the book. I was just excited to meet this person I'd grown up with. She did a short Q&A that we in the audience were told to keep to asking about food. No Saved by the Bell or 90210 questions... just about cooking. People seemed to obey. ;) Then she did a meet-and-greet. So I came away from this with a couple thoughts...
1. She is still gorgeous, you guys.
2. I want to eat food! I WANT TO ENJOY FOOD. I am so tired of food being a weapon I use against myself. I want to eat healthy food in moderation, not starving and then overdoing it when I can't starve myself anymore.
I'm not getting any younger. Let's get this shit under control.
Also, when you are only eating 900 calories, you can't really exercise much. You can do a lot of walking, maybe running (although I have arthritis in my knees and was told not to do high-impact work outs... so RIP Zumba). I was told it's fine to go to spin class if I felt up to it. You're not really supposed to lift weights. I would do it sometimes but not consistently because I would be afraid that I would wear myself out.
I'm going to try something different. I'm going to try going up to 1200 calories and working my ass off in the gym. If I hit 1300 on a day when I work hard, it's OK. I want to get off the weird roller coaster and commit to healthy, non-processed foods that I cook for myself (at least most days) and work out with my boyfriend at the gym. Boyfriend loves to lift. It's his thing. And trust me, it shows.
I don't know if I'll lose pounds because my metabolism sucks, but I do know that it will be a healthier way to live than what I've been doing to myself. We'll see how this goes.
In other goals... I've been working on my Norwegian language and have almost mastered the dates/times section on Duolingo. I've been keeping up my Spanish by reading articles online and I even had a parent conference in which I spoke to the parent just in Spanish, which was not something I thought I could do when the meeting started. I'd told the social worker (who was also interpreting for us) that I would just speak English and she could interpret and she said, "No, go for it! I'll help if you need me." I only needed her to tell me one word. I'm sure it wasn't perfect. I'm sure the grammar was clumsy and I'm sure it wasn't the most eloquent meeting this parent has ever had but we understood each other and at the end the social worker gave me a high five. When I started speaking, I said "No puedo hablar con fluencía, pero voy a probar!" I can't speak fluently, but I am going to try. And the social worker pumped her fist and mouthed "get it, girl!" (The parent was on speakerphone. Did I mention that?)
I've read 43 books this year. The goal was 100. I'm still determined!
I have 16.6 miles to go on my New England Trail hiking challenge for 2018. I have tomorrow off so hopefully I can get some good miles in.
We're going pumpkin-picking this morning and then I'm heading to the gym before I go hiking. The forecast is cloudy but warm. Time to get moving!
A few days ago, I went to a book signing. One of my childhood idols, Tiffani Thiessen, wrote a cookbook, and I really wanted to buy it. Honestly I didn't care so much about the book. I was just excited to meet this person I'd grown up with. She did a short Q&A that we in the audience were told to keep to asking about food. No Saved by the Bell or 90210 questions... just about cooking. People seemed to obey. ;) Then she did a meet-and-greet. So I came away from this with a couple thoughts...
1. She is still gorgeous, you guys.
2. I want to eat food! I WANT TO ENJOY FOOD. I am so tired of food being a weapon I use against myself. I want to eat healthy food in moderation, not starving and then overdoing it when I can't starve myself anymore.
I'm not getting any younger. Let's get this shit under control.
Also, when you are only eating 900 calories, you can't really exercise much. You can do a lot of walking, maybe running (although I have arthritis in my knees and was told not to do high-impact work outs... so RIP Zumba). I was told it's fine to go to spin class if I felt up to it. You're not really supposed to lift weights. I would do it sometimes but not consistently because I would be afraid that I would wear myself out.
I'm going to try something different. I'm going to try going up to 1200 calories and working my ass off in the gym. If I hit 1300 on a day when I work hard, it's OK. I want to get off the weird roller coaster and commit to healthy, non-processed foods that I cook for myself (at least most days) and work out with my boyfriend at the gym. Boyfriend loves to lift. It's his thing. And trust me, it shows.
I don't know if I'll lose pounds because my metabolism sucks, but I do know that it will be a healthier way to live than what I've been doing to myself. We'll see how this goes.
In other goals... I've been working on my Norwegian language and have almost mastered the dates/times section on Duolingo. I've been keeping up my Spanish by reading articles online and I even had a parent conference in which I spoke to the parent just in Spanish, which was not something I thought I could do when the meeting started. I'd told the social worker (who was also interpreting for us) that I would just speak English and she could interpret and she said, "No, go for it! I'll help if you need me." I only needed her to tell me one word. I'm sure it wasn't perfect. I'm sure the grammar was clumsy and I'm sure it wasn't the most eloquent meeting this parent has ever had but we understood each other and at the end the social worker gave me a high five. When I started speaking, I said "No puedo hablar con fluencía, pero voy a probar!" I can't speak fluently, but I am going to try. And the social worker pumped her fist and mouthed "get it, girl!" (The parent was on speakerphone. Did I mention that?)
I've read 43 books this year. The goal was 100. I'm still determined!
I have 16.6 miles to go on my New England Trail hiking challenge for 2018. I have tomorrow off so hopefully I can get some good miles in.
We're going pumpkin-picking this morning and then I'm heading to the gym before I go hiking. The forecast is cloudy but warm. Time to get moving!
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